When someone cuts you off in traffic or posts a conspiracy theory online, there's that voice in your head that says "I would never." But would you really never? If you had lived their exact life - same parents, same friends, same traumas and triumphs - you'd probably be doing exactly what they're doing right now.

This sounds like a recipe for pure empathy, right? Just imagine walking in everyone's shoes and forgive everything? Yeah right. Because this insight cuts both ways. If we're all just products of our circumstances, what happens to personal responsibility? Should we stop expecting better from people because "they can't help it"?

The truth is, we're shaped by our past but not trapped by it. Every day, people break free from their programming. Kids raised in deeply religious households become atheists. Children of alcoholics lead sober lives. Adults who grew up with rage learn to speak softly. Or vice versa. Someone taught you every habit you have, which means someone can teach others too.

To understand someone's past does not mean you are making excuses for their present. It’s a way of seeing the full picture of what they're up against. When you know someone grew up thinking yelling was normal communication, you can better help them find their indoor voice. When you understand someone's parents taught them to fear outsiders, you can show them a wider world with more patience.

So maybe instead of using "they can't help it" as an excuse to judge or enable, you could use it as a starting point for change. Don't just understand their story. Use it as your blueprint for helping them grow. Improve. Unfold.

When you meet someone whose behavior frustrates you (and you inevitably will, every day), try holding two thoughts at once: "If I lived their life, I'd do exactly what they do" and "But they don't have to stay there; they are growing, at their own pace." These thoughts will ease your frustration.